♥ Amy ♥


~ In Memory of our precious Amy ~ 

Oct 13, 1983- May 13, 2012




Psalm 45: 13 & 15 ~ All glorious is the princess in her chamber, with robes interwoven with gold. In many-colored robes she is led to the king...With joy and gladness they are led along as they enter the palace of the king.  



This year our family suffered a huge loss. On Mother's Day, May 13th, our precious daughter/sister Amy went home to be with Jesus. Our hearts are broken. You could even say shattered into a million pieces. Never have we suffered such a loss as this. 


The Lord has sustained us through this difficult time, though; 

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3) . 

He has given us wonderful friends who lift us daily in prayer;    Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 

(Gal 6:2). 


We have assurance that we are not alone in our grief. 
Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows. (Isaiah 53:4)

He gives us strength...
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word. (Psalm 119:28)

There will be brighter days ahead...
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. (Psalm 30:11-12)


So you see, even amidst pain and sorrow...

Life is full of joy from the Lord! 






OCTOBER 13, 2012

I've decided that I will periodically add to this page instead of making separate blog posts related to Amy. 

I wanted to share this story today (on what would have been Amy's 29th birthday) that my husband wrote about Amy many years ago. She was probably around 14 or so.

                    Broken Petals

The frame of the wheelchair bumped softly against the baseboard as she struggled to maneuver closer to the window. Amy had been sitting there for some time now, watching the rain splatter against the glass. Perhaps it was the way that the drops would combine on the glass with the others, until they would streak down and make a puddle on the sill that had captured her eye. She seemed mesmerized, not even letting the sounds of children playing in the other room break her intense gaze.

Reaching out, revealing the atrophy that was slowly robbing her arm of strength, she pressed her fingers against the cool glass. Fog rapidly developed around the outline of her warm hand as she made a futile attempt to capture one of the descending drops. Even on rainy days, when it would be difficult to find enough activities to keep her mind occupied, she would always amaze us with her ability to find the simplistic beauty hidden in plain sight.

The genetic syndrome that had robbed her mobility also denied her the ability to talk and communicate. You could see the frustration in her eyes as she would try to share the thoughts trapped inside the walls of her mind. Only the time and perseverance of her mother’s love was capable of penetrating the barrier between her world and the reality of ours. With compassion laced insight, her mother was able to look beyond her physical limitations and translate the hidden desires embodied in the silence of our daughter’s unspoken words.

Every parent dreams that their child will be perfect in every way, just as my wife and I did. All of the planning and support from friends and family could not fully prepare us for the long days spent standing by a bed at the hospital, helpless to do anything but pray. God, in his sovereign design, had chosen us to care for one of His special angels, teaching us that her fragile life, like a rose, whose petals are gently crushed, releases a bouquet of fragrance that permeates the air leaving an indelible impression on each life touched.

The rain has stopped now and the drops left on the glass lay still. Looking back at Amy sitting at the window, a tear can be seen slowly moving down her cheek, resting briefly on her chin until it drops into the palm of God.

~ by Jerry Payne

(Please don't copy or use without his permission)


Praising the Lord today that ALL her tears have been wiped away!



November 13, 2012

6 Months ~ Where I am today

Today marks 6 months since I said goodbye to my sweet girl, Amy. On the one hand, I can't believe it. On the other, it seems like forever. These months have been fraught with so much pain and so many tears. There have been times I thought I would be just as happy to lay down and die. That's just the honest truth, folks.


Thankfully, those moments didn't last long and were replaced with a knowledge that I am needed here. God isn't finished with me yet; no need to rush things along no matter how sad or depressed I may be at any given moment in time.


How did I overcome those thoughts and feelings? Prayer, plain and simple. I have asked  my family and friends time and time again for prayer, and I know that each one has been heard because there is a determination in me to survive. The only way that is possible is through Christ and his strength overshadowing that of my own. That's just what Philippians 4:13 says ~ "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" That is Truth! I am weak but He is strong!

I know there are challenges to come - Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, the 1 yr anniversary of her death - and I will probably still be asking for prayer, but I have gotten to a place where I can pray too. For a time, I couldn't. Words would not come. But my fellow sisters and brothers in Christ stood in the gap for me, and for that I am so thankful!

My heart still aches and my arms feel empty as I travel this road of grief. After all, she was my 'baby' for 28 yrs. I know it will be a lifetime before complete healing takes place but as time goes by the days get more bearable, more joyful, and more anticipated!

At times, we all need encouragement. I don't know what you might be going through but in hopes that one of these songs will touch a chord in your heart and soul, I want to share the music we played at Amy's memorial service (ok, we didn't play the videos, just the songs) and explain why we chose what we did. First off, she loved music. I mean really loved music. All kinds too! She had lots of cd's from all genres; Country and Contemporary Christian being her favs. So with that in mind, we chose two songs from her favorite artists - What a Friend We Have in Jesus by Alan Jackson, and In Christ Alone by The Newsboys. The final song we played was Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) by Chris Tomlin because her chains are gone and she's been set free! Amen & Amen!!!







On a side note: I know my heart is healing because for months I couldn't listen to these songs. The first few times I finally did, I bawled...buckets of tears. For the first time this week I didn't shed a single tear. Oh, I got choked up but no tears fell. I was able to smile and sing through each song, and raise my own hands in praise to Him who sits on the throne of Glory!


And I just had to share this:
~ Willow Tree Angel ~
Bringing a triumphant Spirit,
inspiration and courage
My sister Susie, along with our precious friend (Aunt) Bonnie, bought this lovely angel from Willow Tree to sit on top of the wooden urn that was fashioned beautifully by my brother, Gene.

Why this particular angel you may ask? Because they imagined Amy throwing her arms up in praise and shouting I'm here! JOY overflowing!!!

Pretty cool, huh?



Have a great day in the Lord!


The Angel image is from Willow Tree. Just click on her to go there. 
Videos are on YouTube. No infringement intended. 
Images of Amy are mine, Please don't take them or pin them.
Thanks!


November 19, 2012

What's in a name?

Amy \a-my\ as a girl's name is pronounced AY-mee. It is of Old French and Latin origin, and the meaning of Amy is "beloved". Anglicized form of the Old French Amee, meaning "beloved", which originated as a nickname from the Latin Amata, from "amare", meaning "to love".
 
Catharine \c(a)-thari-ne, cath(a)-rine\ as a girl's name is a variant of Catherine (Greek) and Katherine (Greek), and the meaning of Catharine is "pure".  

Isn't it funny how names can be so perfect? Little did we know when we chose these names for our girl that they would fit her to a "t"! She was truly beloved, easy to love and pure :) 


February 13, 2013


Today marks 9 months that my Amy went home to be with the Lord. From the day she was born until the day she died, I sang her this simple song, many times. It was even cross-stitched by my sister onto a little wall hanging for Amy's nursery.

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine
You make me happy
When the skies are grey
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
So please don't take
My sunshine
Away

The other night dear

As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
When I awoke dear
I was mistaken
And I held
My head
And cried




March 13, 2013







Need You Now (How Many Times), Plumb


Well, everybody's got a story to tell 

And everybody's got a wound to be healed 

I want to believe there's beauty here 

'Cause oh I get so tired of holding on 

I can't let go, I can't move on 

I want to believe there's meaning here 


Chorus: 

How many times have you heard me cry out 

"God please take this"? 

How many times have you given me strength to 

Just keep breathing? 

Oh, I need you 

God, I need you now. 

Standing on a road I didn't plan 
Wondering how I got to where I am 
I'm trying to hear that still small voice 
I'm trying to hear above the noise 

Chorus: 
How many times have you heard me cry out 
"God please take this"? 
How many times have you given me strength to 
Just keep breathing? 
Oh, I need you 
God, I need you now. 


Oh I walk, Oh I walk through the shadows 
And I, I am so afraid 
Please stay, please stay right beside me 
With every single step I take 

How many times have you heard me cry out? 
And how many times have you given me strength? 

Chorus: 
How many times have you heard me cry out 
"God please take this"? 
How many times have you given me strength to 
Just keep breathing? 
Oh, I need you 
God, I need you now. 


I need you now 
Oh, I need you 
God, I need you now 
I need you now 
I need you now


October 13, 2013

I wanted to write some big tribute to my daughter but these are all the words I have today.

How I wish I could hug you and tell you how much joy you brought into my life 30 years ago today, my sweet Amy. The past 17 months has seemed an eternity on one hand and has flown by on the other. I know you are beyond time & space and fully immersed in our Savior's love. I love you still, and miss you more each day. Hugs & kisses from Mom.



October 13, 2014

I woke up this morning thinking that I need to be smiling and 'on' for everyone today but I'm not going to pretend that today is not a challenging day because it is. Today was the day my husband and I became parents for the first time but our Amy is not here to celebrate with anymore. She would have been 31 today. It doesn't seem possible that only two and a half years have gone by since we said goodbye. At this moment, it feels like forever. Our family is missing an essential part that can never be replaced and our hearts still grieve over the wound. Loving and missing our Amy girl...always.




3rd Anniversary...

Today, May 13th, 2015, marks the third anniversary of my oldest daughter, my firstborn, being ushered into her eternal home. I wrote this poem during the Writing Through the Heartache grief workshop by author Alice Wisler, a grieving mom herself. Writing has been instrumental in the grief process and I haven't shared much of it, but today I wanted to share this poem. Amy had delicate hands and she loved to have them held. And I loved to hold them. I miss that. 
I miss her.





hands

tiny and weak

your newborn hands,

cradled protectively

within my own,

sweet kisses from my lips

cover them in prayer.



slender and cool

your delicate hands,

entwined  gently

within my own,

hot tears and desperate kisses

blanket them in prayer.



warm and strong

your beautiful hands,

reaching out

enfolded safely,

for all eternity

held by Another.



creased and worn,

my cold hands

rest empty,

wet with tears

and

silent prayers.


Written by Anne Payne
April 24th 2013


The following are Scriptures that show how much the Lord loves us and comforts us in our grief.


Matthew 5:4  “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Isaiah 41:10  “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Psalm 18:28  “You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

Isaiah 43:2  “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

Truly, without the love and compassion of the Lord and his constant heart, my humanness would fail to uphold me during these last three years.

Praying that each of you who are walking this road of grief feel His presence today and everyday.


 : : : : :

October 13, 2015 

Psalm 56:8 

You keep track of all my sorrows. 
You have collected all my tears in your bottle. 
You have recorded each one in your book.



32 years. 

It's hard to believe I'm the mother of a child who would have been 32 years old today. It seems like only yesterday that the weak sound of Amy's cry was heard when her tiny and trembling body was ushered into this world by cesarean section, and her vernix covered cheek was caressed softly against my wet one.

Once again my cheeks are glistening with tears as I sit here and remember the day her life began and how she felt--the first touch of her face on mine, the sweetness of a moment like no other.

I cherish the time the Lord allowed me to feel Amy's face against mine. I'm even thankful for the moments our tears mingled together during hard times and good times--trials and triumphs--for without one we would never know the other.

While I will always grieve the physical withdrawal of Amy, I hold her in my heart and imagine the whisper soft touch of her cheek against mine when a gentle breeze brushes across my face.

8 comments:

  1. Wow. I feel like I have just eavesdropped on a powerful and precious family that has suffered so much loss. My heart aches for the losses you have endured!

    Please know that your story has touched me and given me a better insight into your souls. God truly is merciful and grief has no time limits. Thank you for opening your hearts like this and sharing your stories.

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  2. When I changed my blog URL and imported the old blog, the following comments didn't transfer for some reason. But I want them on here because these precious folks took time to leave me encouraging comments and pray for us on this journey of grief. I appreciate every one of you!!!

    Modern Day DiscipleOctober 5, 2012 at 2:30 PM

    Anne, I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you visited my blog today. WOuld love to stay in touch and get to know one another. I pray that He will continue to comfort and guide you on your journey. In His Grace, Dawn
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    Diane Estrella October 13, 2012 at 8:28 AM

    Your husband is a poet/writer too. This remembers a beautiful moment in time. Love you and hugs!
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  3. Marian Baay October 13, 2012 at 12:46 PM

    Beautifully written - this is a treasure. Many blessings!
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    A Journey Called Life February 14, 2013 at 4:27 PM

    These posts are beautiful. As I read them, my heart just swelled up with compassion and I had to fight back the tears. Although I don't know the pain of losing a child, I lost my Dad when he was 58 on March 14, 2011. I either saw or talked to him almost everyday of my life, he was my hero and I was his shadow. The grief I experienced and am still dealing with almost daily is sometimes too much to carry, I can't imagine being in your situation losing a precious daughter. Even though we have the peace of knowing that they are at rest with the Lord and released from their burdens of life here on earth, we still miss them.

    The Willow Tree Angel is perfect, Amy was beautiful.

    God bless,
    Marissa

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  4. Dicky Bird February 21, 2013 at 12:40 PM

    I'm a new follower - Dicky Birds Nest. I'm in tears, what a wonderful tribute to your daughter. I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain. You should hop over to Our Crazy Farm http://ourcrazyfarm.blogspot.com/ She lost her son and wrote a book called "How My Savior Leads Me" her journey through loss. I too have had to learn to walk by faith and turn my problems over to Jesus (our daughter had childhood cancer). She is doing good now. I look forward to reading more of your blog. Blessings from Wisconsin.
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    Plays with Purpose May 11, 2013 at 11:58 AM

    Anne - how lovely indeed! Such ability to capture the real essence of life through the eyes of those who are "disabled". Truly Amy had deep and wondering knowledge of our Lord. She was loved and valued because she mattered so much! I love so much about your journey. Your husband's poem is so touching. I can see Amy at the window with the rain falling down. I can sense her curiosity and security in knowing that the rain does fall. I see how much meaning she brought to your lives. We love the sunshine song too. We sing it to our granddaughter. I never rememered the 2nd verse. How God does know from the beginning the end....and I am amazed at how God knew the name of our kids before we even realize we are naming them anything other than a name we just happen to like. He always meets us wherever we are and gives us those incredible glimpses into his bigger plan and the way he has been there all along using each moment, each life, for something so much more glorious than we can even imagine. I am glad that you have been surrounded by prayer warriors who stood in the gap for you, and that while you were ready to give it up, God heard and answered and offered you a hand to get up and live! And live you are! What a blessing you are Anne. Praying for you and your sweet family.
    Hugs,
    Kelly

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  5. Deborah July 1, 2013 at 9:45 PM

    Praying, never ceasing, for The Lord, God, to continue to carry you.

    Sending all my love on the wings of a desert sparrow,
    Deborah
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    Katherines Corner August 27, 2013 at 9:55 PM

    this tribute to your daughter brings a flood of tears. Christ our Lord guides you as you share this with us, he strengthens you and reassures you through faith. I am truly deeply sorry for your loss. xo
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    Robyn Campbell November 13, 2013 at 8:49 AM

    Love you. I came in search for Karen's blog tour instead I found this. Hugs and loves forever and ever. I bet that day will be unspeakably magnificent. The day you see Messiah face to face and the day you see Amy again. All healed and grinning from ear to ear! MWAH!

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  6. Anchor Whitaker March 26, 2014 at 10:54 AM

    I was on your blog and randomly clicked the "Amy" tab. Oh my, I'm sorry for your loss and moved by how beautifully you and your husband express your love and sorrow for your "beloved" and "pure" Amy. Your words, the Scriptures and music are filling my office with God's presence this morning, thank you! I have Willow Tree "Sisters" angels above my desk that I'd glued together from broken pieces destined for the trash bin. That's more or less what Jesus did for me. Thank you the personal and poignant reminder that God heals broken hearts and will turn our wailing into dancing.
    God bless,
    Cathy Hickling
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    Pyrexa June 13, 2014 at 3:25 AM

    Anne... I am so deeply sorry for your huge loss. What a beautiful Angel Amy is.
    These words are so touching, tears are literally rolling down my cheeks.
    No more looking through the glass now that she has her wings.
    Such precious love for all eternity. xo
    Very best wishes to you and your husband.
    May you always find love and comfort from Amy's beautiful face in each others eyes.

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  7. The Furry Gnome December 15, 2014 at 10:05 PM

    I'm so moved by your words, and sorry for your loss. But I'm struck by your phrase "God isn't finished with me yet."

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  8. Wow! How can something be so painful and beautiful at the same time? Only by the grace of God! What a testimony of His AMY-zing love! I didn't know Amy, but I wish I had. Her memory lives on-- not only is she captured in your sweet photos, but also in the pictures you and Jerry create in beautiful words about her life story. Her mark on your life is truly a gorgeous one because you are one of the most beautiful women I know, Anne! Thank you for being transparent through your suffering. Many will be healed by God's Word being evidenced in your precious family members' lives!
    Much love,
    Tracey
    www.bodysoulhope.com

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I am so delighted that you've taken time to come by and comment. Blessings for a joy-filled day!

1 Corinthians 1:3 ~ Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.